FInally..........

Saturday, I finally got a call from brew, after texting him a gazillion times (well 3 or more) without getting any response. He called after he arrived home from work and we talked for hours. I don’t wanna think it’s me, but I’m starting to feel that he’s losing interest in me. Before he doesn’t want to commit, and now, I feel like he’s irritated by me again and just don’t wanna have anything to do with me anymore. He said he didn’t have any load for 6 days, but as much as I would like to believe it, I’ll be stupid not to even be incredulous about it. That’s one of the things I admired about him, his honesty, and this time I don’t think he’s in any way sincere. I’m starting to feel like he’s just trying to form the words to say “don’t bother me no more”, yah he’ll probably come to his defense after reading this and say I’m overreacting, I’m being selfish knowing he’s been having a tough time, well, that’s what I’m convincing myself with, until it hit me….

…. Why am I doing these? I know I don’t have the right to be jealous or be upset by all of these cuz we’re not together. He has no responsiblity whatsoever to notify me of what he's doing whre he's at or how he's been. He’s not committed to me, but the problem was I’m still hoping he’ll be. But then he made it clear yesterday, when I asked him, he said it straight “I’m not ready to commit with anybody except Muppet”, oh yes, how can I forget, the muppet looking man who never left his heart and I’m afraid will never leave. There’s no chance in hell that I’ll win over him, he certainly have a lot of things that I don’t have…. Let’s make a list shall we

1. Height: he’s 5’9 I’m 5-3 I definitely lose here
2. Age: he’s 25 I’m 18 not quite sure who wins here
3. Wallet size: he’s a brat I’m a breadwinner
4. Experience: I’ve been doing this for 3 months, he’s been doing this his entire life.. hehe
5. Brains: I’m not sure…. I think I’m smarter but who knows*
6. Spatial skills: he’s an architecture grad. I’m a master of stick drawing, you decide!
7. Music: I saw him with a guitar I dunno if he plays them but I can sing!!!!!*
8. Dancing: I’m a dancer dunno bout him but brew doesn’t like to dance so it doesn’t matter but I’ll add it anyway..haha*
9. Coffee: he drinks it, I puke it!
10. Alcohol: he pukes it! I’m scared of it…
11. Drugs: I’ve tried it. I dunno bout him but this one’s irrelevant so not counted
12. Cig: he smokes it, I cough it…
13. Location: we’re both far from him but I’m nearer, however, he has a car.

Scoreboard: ME- 3 points (*)
Muppet- 9 points

So I totally lose here, hai, no wonder it’s him he loves… I decided something today, I can’t reveal it yet, but I will probably tell it within this week. I promise!!!! Poor me, I should have moved on by now, but certainly I have not. And how could I possibly do that? Instead of running away from him I keep on waiting for his text or his call. And for the record he haven’t texted me for more than a week now. And that’s the truth. Ha… just by this you can picture how clung I am to him up to now. When will I be able to move on??? Have to find out soon… last night, I feel so bad for myself I was eagerly waiting for his call since he said he would call, when the phone rang not knowing that it was just my classmate I was so perky thinking that he finally called and all my doubts shall be washed away….. feeble me….

Wah… my thoughts are all over the place, this entry sucks… it’s almost 6, I’m awaiting the showing of my TV exclusive appearance on MTV… only 8 minutes to go before Get Spotted, don’t wanna call nobody to watch it, I’m afraid of having been cut from it, won’t be able to stand the humiliation…. Not this time… it’s enough that I humiliate myself everytime I try to find a way to get through to brew. Anyways, no classes today, and it’s been raining pretty hard, I am stuck here at home and I’m suppose to write a paper for our stupid fat ass professor on world literature. Man, I want him killed and delivered at La Loma. Mang Tomas would love to sauce him up, Grrrr…… I wasn’t able to clean the room today... what for? Nobody goes here anyway…

Before I go, I told him I’ll mention his name, Don, the one who’s so diligently replied to my entries, I like him a lot. He’s in New York right now and he’s going through somewhat the same shit as I am. If he’s here we’ll be perfect together as friends or maybe more. Thanks dude, for making my mornings bright.

And finally, I started chatting again in bi/gay rooms and I found a couple of people. One of which I’ve been talking to and he’s studying at CEU, one is from CSB and the last one works in Makati. I dunno who’s in the lead..haha.. Dlanoj (CEU) and I have been talking today as if there’s no tomorrow, he’s quite irritating but cute…. And just a few minutes ago I dropped the phone after he played a prank on me pretending to be somebody else saying he’s testing me… how silly…. He’ll call later…. Legna (CSB) is quite chubby, which I despise, not totally cute but, totally far and totally rich. Tap (Makati) and I have met weeks ago, he was suppose to be my first seb but he was too far so I kinda backed out which he totally held against me but we’re cool now and he said he’s very interested to get into a relationship with me he’s 25 though but I don’t care. I think at least by his age he gotta be more mature and sincerely ready to commit and not just play me around and hurt me in the end…

I wasn’t show in Get Spotted because it wasn’t the episode at PLM I wonder when they’ll show ours… hmm… I hope soon… very soon…