FInally..........

Saturday, I finally got a call from brew, after texting him a gazillion times (well 3 or more) without getting any response. He called after he arrived home from work and we talked for hours. I don’t wanna think it’s me, but I’m starting to feel that he’s losing interest in me. Before he doesn’t want to commit, and now, I feel like he’s irritated by me again and just don’t wanna have anything to do with me anymore. He said he didn’t have any load for 6 days, but as much as I would like to believe it, I’ll be stupid not to even be incredulous about it. That’s one of the things I admired about him, his honesty, and this time I don’t think he’s in any way sincere. I’m starting to feel like he’s just trying to form the words to say “don’t bother me no more”, yah he’ll probably come to his defense after reading this and say I’m overreacting, I’m being selfish knowing he’s been having a tough time, well, that’s what I’m convincing myself with, until it hit me….

…. Why am I doing these? I know I don’t have the right to be jealous or be upset by all of these cuz we’re not together. He has no responsiblity whatsoever to notify me of what he's doing whre he's at or how he's been. He’s not committed to me, but the problem was I’m still hoping he’ll be. But then he made it clear yesterday, when I asked him, he said it straight “I’m not ready to commit with anybody except Muppet”, oh yes, how can I forget, the muppet looking man who never left his heart and I’m afraid will never leave. There’s no chance in hell that I’ll win over him, he certainly have a lot of things that I don’t have…. Let’s make a list shall we

1. Height: he’s 5’9 I’m 5-3 I definitely lose here
2. Age: he’s 25 I’m 18 not quite sure who wins here
3. Wallet size: he’s a brat I’m a breadwinner
4. Experience: I’ve been doing this for 3 months, he’s been doing this his entire life.. hehe
5. Brains: I’m not sure…. I think I’m smarter but who knows*
6. Spatial skills: he’s an architecture grad. I’m a master of stick drawing, you decide!
7. Music: I saw him with a guitar I dunno if he plays them but I can sing!!!!!*
8. Dancing: I’m a dancer dunno bout him but brew doesn’t like to dance so it doesn’t matter but I’ll add it anyway..haha*
9. Coffee: he drinks it, I puke it!
10. Alcohol: he pukes it! I’m scared of it…
11. Drugs: I’ve tried it. I dunno bout him but this one’s irrelevant so not counted
12. Cig: he smokes it, I cough it…
13. Location: we’re both far from him but I’m nearer, however, he has a car.

Scoreboard: ME- 3 points (*)
Muppet- 9 points

So I totally lose here, hai, no wonder it’s him he loves… I decided something today, I can’t reveal it yet, but I will probably tell it within this week. I promise!!!! Poor me, I should have moved on by now, but certainly I have not. And how could I possibly do that? Instead of running away from him I keep on waiting for his text or his call. And for the record he haven’t texted me for more than a week now. And that’s the truth. Ha… just by this you can picture how clung I am to him up to now. When will I be able to move on??? Have to find out soon… last night, I feel so bad for myself I was eagerly waiting for his call since he said he would call, when the phone rang not knowing that it was just my classmate I was so perky thinking that he finally called and all my doubts shall be washed away….. feeble me….

Wah… my thoughts are all over the place, this entry sucks… it’s almost 6, I’m awaiting the showing of my TV exclusive appearance on MTV… only 8 minutes to go before Get Spotted, don’t wanna call nobody to watch it, I’m afraid of having been cut from it, won’t be able to stand the humiliation…. Not this time… it’s enough that I humiliate myself everytime I try to find a way to get through to brew. Anyways, no classes today, and it’s been raining pretty hard, I am stuck here at home and I’m suppose to write a paper for our stupid fat ass professor on world literature. Man, I want him killed and delivered at La Loma. Mang Tomas would love to sauce him up, Grrrr…… I wasn’t able to clean the room today... what for? Nobody goes here anyway…

Before I go, I told him I’ll mention his name, Don, the one who’s so diligently replied to my entries, I like him a lot. He’s in New York right now and he’s going through somewhat the same shit as I am. If he’s here we’ll be perfect together as friends or maybe more. Thanks dude, for making my mornings bright.

And finally, I started chatting again in bi/gay rooms and I found a couple of people. One of which I’ve been talking to and he’s studying at CEU, one is from CSB and the last one works in Makati. I dunno who’s in the lead..haha.. Dlanoj (CEU) and I have been talking today as if there’s no tomorrow, he’s quite irritating but cute…. And just a few minutes ago I dropped the phone after he played a prank on me pretending to be somebody else saying he’s testing me… how silly…. He’ll call later…. Legna (CSB) is quite chubby, which I despise, not totally cute but, totally far and totally rich. Tap (Makati) and I have met weeks ago, he was suppose to be my first seb but he was too far so I kinda backed out which he totally held against me but we’re cool now and he said he’s very interested to get into a relationship with me he’s 25 though but I don’t care. I think at least by his age he gotta be more mature and sincerely ready to commit and not just play me around and hurt me in the end…

I wasn’t show in Get Spotted because it wasn’t the episode at PLM I wonder when they’ll show ours… hmm… I hope soon… very soon…

riddler invades Convergys and MTV!!!!!

Howdie! It’s bean almost a week since my last entry and man I am so busy. Well, if you consider staring at the ceiling and watching an ample amount of TV busy, then I am. Some unexpected events took place these past few days. You see, classes have been continusly cut-off to pave way to some conference/seminars. Last Tuesday. Our 7-10 class was cut short and we’re spared from our classes for the rest of the day. We went to the main campus where the supposed seminar was to be held and it was about Personality Development. It was fun, the lady reminded me of my highschool T.H.E. professor, but the latter is quite classier.

Wednesday, we finally met our PE professor, and they say he’s nonsense, well, I think so too. After that I head to the mall to watch Alexander, and boy oh boy that movie was so gay. Jarred Leto was so sizzling hot looking like a man on the edge of being a drag queen. And the sizzy Jonathan was so good as well. Colin was able to pull of the bi attitude. Read the full review in my other blog.

Thursday, we went to another seminar and that one was a little boring, but it’s okay. Later in the afternoon I found out that Convergys, a call-center company is looking for applicants in our school not just for full-time but for part-time as well. So I gave it a shot, it’s what I’m looking for. The girl interviewed me and 2 more people after an hour of waiting. And during that conversation I said I’m going to try to study French this summer, well, if I get hired I really would. So I got in and I’m suppose to report on the 4th of December, I’m worried cuz I have no idea where the hell it is, but it’s somewhere along Ayala in Makati.

After that interview I went to the mall, looking for my classmates and I found them doing some karaoke. I sang with them. Then after long discussion (that all came down to a toss coin) we decided to go back to PLM to join the MTV-AIDS summit. We were all waiting there when Marc Abaya and the rest of the crew of MTV arrived. Man, he looks exactly like me, and you know how I love myself so much so I absolutely find him good looking. Then a crew asked me if I can do Get spotted and I said yes. I was suppose to introduce a video and all that shit. I was asked what song I like I said that song by Kitchie Nadal and he said okay. So it was my chance to get my first exposure on local tv, I introduced the video and they said I was great. Hmm… I hope I see it soon. If you’re wondering what time it is shown, it’s from 6:00-6:30 pm. MTV ayosh!

Anyways, there was a transport strike that day so we kinda had difficulty finding a ride home but we eventually got into one. The PC has been having some problems and it pisses me off. I can’t connect to the internet very well again so I can’t chat with the rest of the bobongers. Hai! Anyways, I have some pictures of marc with me and my other classmates all I have to do is find somebody with a blutooth I can borrow. Damn that laptop! It ain’t working still.

Friday, I found out that bhe has been having some problems with work. I hope it gets easier for him. There was no seminar that day so we just went in our class did some stuff but our last class with the big asshole was cut again and I am so friggin’ glad about it! I hate that son of a bitch! He should be deported to Babuyan Islands, that’s where he belong!!!!!

Wah! I finally saw the Stepford Wives, hehe, I loved it!!!!! It was so funny, not that strong ending, yes, but it was very funny and Nicole man, I wanna marry her!!!!!!!! I’ve gotta be moving now, gotta go early to school for an assignment. Bhe, if you’re reading this, you can do it! Don’t worry, everything will work out just fine. I’m always here okay, and you haven’t text me for almost a week. Hmmmmmm….. but i'm letting you slide, for now.....

Laguna invades riddler / Life is beautiful

Whoa, an abrupt turn in my crazy life just took place; I am no longer the drama king you used to know. I relish life more than I used to and I am stronger now. Why all of a sudden I’m the man of strong will and great courage? Read on to find out….

Last Saturday, as y’all know I decided to go to Laguna with all of the other Bobongers, and so I did. After our first and last class that day, we waited for Sam and when she finally arrived we head to Robinson’s where we met JC, Ducka, Xtin, and Kat, I was with Kim, Leux and Madel (the one who comforted me during my infamous breakdown last Friday). When Bryan arrived we proceeded to the Bus Station. We went outta there between 5 and 6 pm. It was a fun trip. We were pretty raucous inside the bus and despite being located at the far end of it, there were still some commuters who were goaded by our earsplitting presence. One of the old lady said, “Akala mo sila lang ang nakasakay walang pakialam sa ibang pasahero” (it’s as if they’re the only one’s riding this bus, they don’t mind the other passengers). I humanely countered by addressing my fellow bobongers out loud that they should keep quiet and they’re not the only people in the bus, that served the bitch right, she kept quiet till the end of the trip.

I could hardly remember what time we arrived at Laguna, maybe between 8-9. We met Mc and then we head to her house. Had dinner and chat a little and went straight to Khowee’s gig. There we met Hani and Khowee, the last 2 bobongers of the day. Hani is my favorite bobonger and chatmate while Khowee is the trying-to-be-young-but-obviously-older-looking-than-me dude. Hehe. And I was so glad to know that there ain’t one of them I didn’t like. I especially liked Kat, I call her “loves” by the way.

We went upstairs and found the supposedly bar, well, it was quite the size of our classroom, actually our classrooms our bigger. It was weird, I honestly have no idea that it’s going to be just a room. I never saw anything like it before. The room was packed and once you stick your ass on sumtin better not take it away or you’ll lose it. So I glued mine perfectly. The first band performed, and after 5 songs (I think) the only word I understood was “chaos” and besides that the whole thing was. Ahehe, I’m just kidding, their drummer was pretty good, man, he’s fast alright, and the guitarist/vocalist was pretty good as well. I found their music very good however, their songs are awfully alike. After the chaos, it was khowee’s turn. He made some greetings and before we knew it he was bangin he’s head all over the place. I was caught off guard. Man, that man is crazy! He was really at it and their group choreography rocks!!! Ahehehe! I thought I was the most overly performing singer around, man, he proved me wrong. Hahahah! Kudos dude, you were great!

After they sang we went to the house near the place which I think is owned by the guy who produced the show. They drank and drank and somewhere there I just found myself realizing how good my life is. How great my family is. How much I am capable of. And how stupid I am to think that my life is dire. I won’t mention exactly what happened but two people that night woke me up from my delusion.

In only had one shot that night and it was terrible, I have this thing when I’m awake so late or I end up sleeping at somebody else’s house. My stomach gets grumpy and it’s so weird. I dunno if it’s because of my ulcer before or whatever. Ah, we head home, 5 of us, at about 7, I arrived at home at 9 or was it 10? I cannot remember. Went online and read my brew’s blog.

I slept for about 2 hours. Then when I woke up, I talked to Brew for 3 hours or so. I missed talking to him. I think he felt the same way. I can still feel that he loves me and somewhere in that voice of his, he still wanna be with me, I just don’t know what’s holding him back. If he’s scared that he’s going to hurt me, he shouldn’t be, especially now that I realized how precious my life is and how blessed I am. The only thing missing in my life right now is him. Ha, I enjoyed talking to him. Anyways, we discussed my DDS (Deepest Darkest Secret) and well, I thought I wouldn’t cry but I did, the first time that I actually really cried on it. I couldn’t tell you what it is cuz it’s something that I should keep for myself alone, give me something I can call mine, well, it’s not totally mine now since I told it to 2 people already but let that be a secret to the rest of you.

Watched Survivor, damn, that Eliza is really really hot!!!!!!!!! Hmmm… oh, before I forget, brew told me that he wants me to meet one of his “friends” who he say can be a good partner to me. I told him if he’s just going end up hurting me, then No, irrational, yes, but at the moment, I’m just not up for something unsure.

This school day sucks! No text from brew yet. Screw him! He said he’ll text me. Hmp! Ahehehe… oh, I wasn’t late for class today for the very first time since the classes started. That’s an achievement. HAHA!!

Rejected again and again and again......

Well, you might be wondering why I suddenly changed my mind, there must be some driving force cuz I somewhat look completely determined, well, there was. It was Yajra.
We met yesterday, I completely prepared for this one, I even cleaned my roon for him, he’s staying for the night and in case we decide to do it, I want it to be special. So I went to our meeting place, he was a little late and there I saw him, at first, I was a little disapponited cuz he had uite a few pimples, but since he told me to not expect that much, I didn’t. Contrary to popular belief I’m not superficial, when I established a relationship with someone, I no longer what the hell they look like. It’s not that important as long as if they give me their photo and it is really them, that’s fine with me.

And so we walked around that stupid mall, he was actually cuter in person, and he kinda have most of the things I’m looking for. The height, he’s about 5’5 not that tall. He’s white. That’s basically it. We walked around and I though everything was going fine until I heard him say “pinapauwi ako ng kuya ko at pinsan ko emergency daw” ( my brother and cousin told me to go home there’s an emergency”. My face went numb, I didn’t know how to react. I’m smelling it again--- rejection coming to get me. But I acted cool, I mean, I don’t think he’s the type who’ll do that, when we were to separate he even told me that he’ll go back and try to get to myself by himself. So my doubts that he might not like me faded away. Until I texted him, telling him in a form of joke that if he don’t like me just tell me so I won’t look dumb, and he did reply saying that he’s sorry, and he just expected too much. I went numb. Pain was all over me. How can he say that? I asked of him, I layed down all my cards before we met up and he made it very clear that he’s not superficial. I told him I expected nothing from him but for him not to be superficial. And he was.

So instead of going straight here, I went to my parents place. On my way there, I almost couldn’t hold my tears, I rushed inside went to my mom’s room and cried and cried and cried. God, I really wanna die that moment. Just be nothing for awhile. I was suicidal again this time I’m dead serious, but then I saw my mom, I couldn’t do it. I just can’t. I could die in pain but not my mom. So I just went home, and hear I cried and cried again. I really looked fr someone to talk to cuz I might do something. So I went chatting and thank god I found someone to talk to.

I think I’m not primarily hurt by what happened, and it’s not about brew either. It was me feeling like shit. Like I’m so ugly and useless and totally unlovable. Am I? I think I am. Why would one not be interested with me if I’m cute. I really feel like I’m worthless. And I think that’s one of the reason why I keep on loving Christian cuz despite of the fat that he kept on hurting me, he’s the only who loves me, or so he say. I feel like he was the only one who was able to appreciate me. If you’re reading this.. I love you…

One of the people who made me smile after a one-hour marathon of tears was Kim. He’s one of the bobongers and she told me that I’m actually the most gorgeous guy she ever met. I smiled upon hearing that. I think she was also the one who told me I’m an ultimate catch. Man, she does know how to make me feel better. One of my classmates whom I texted came over totally worried about me, and I cried while telling her what happened, I guess she was not use to me crying cuz I’m the ever strong confident me. She asked me where the confident Riddler she knows? I told her I’ve always been weak, despite of the fact that I may look very happy outside I was always miserable. Three months ago, I was not like this I may not be happy but at least I don’t cry this much. But eversince we broke up, I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling more depressed than I’ve ever been, and feeling the most miserable.

Hai, I want to say more but I’m in so much hurry , I decided to go to Laguna. Sam will be paying half of my expenses. I need good people to be with. Hai…
Anyways before I go, brew, if you’re reading this, just want you to know, that it was tough to do that 14-day crap, I can’t let you go, not at the moment, I’ll still be waitin’, in case you change your mind, I’ll still be here… I’ll keep on holdin’ on… and if the time comes which I doubt will ever come) don’t be afraid to ask or tell me, in case I don’t wanna be with you again, give me that luxury this time to say no (which I doubt I’ll ever have the chance to do). I love you…………

Day 2 --- a quick ending

Shit! I knew it that i wouldn't last long, all in a day's work.... hai... i was supposed to post the brilliant plan and the rest after the supposedly 2-week period but i violated the rules already and so it's done...

i'll tell you all the shit that happened to me today tomorro.w.. in the meantime, i shall rest...

Day 1 --- a good start!

Well, he messaged me midnight, saying that he misses me and that he feel so down and he has no idea why and that two words… love you. I replied by saying that I feel so down as well, and he read right through it. He said he knew it’s because of him why I’m down and he’s sorry and that he’s drinking at that time. I told him drinking everyday is a sign of true happiness and that I think I should start doing that as well. He never got back.

I was happy that I was able to make him feel bad again. At least in that way it lessens the pain and somehow he gets the taste of what I’m going through. I read his blog today for the last time and it was about his Emor once again sharing his desperation from their seperation at work. Ha! Justice my friends it is existent.

Enough about him, there’s something new going on in my life. This guy, I’ve been talking to since Tuesday, well, we’re kinda getting into something new. He’s nice, sweet, and he wants me to be his baby. Haha. well, that’ll be good. I mean Ii’m enjoying every bit of our chat that I end up sleeping very late, like the other night I slept at 2 am knowing that I have to wake up at 5. He’s not that totally cute but he’s good enough for me. He has the makings of a good bf, especially since he studies at FEU and that’s very near to our place. One setback though is that he lives near Sm North, god forbids, he might have had some encounter with brew. Man, I hope not!


As all of you should know I quit chatting at irc for quite awhile already and in yahoo for more than a month already. The only people I chat with at yahoo are my fellow bobongers. By the way, it’s fun chatting with these guys, my favorite chatmate is hani, she’s an aid reader as well, or so she claims to be. Ahehe.


I am still yet to decide whether I’ll be going with the bobongers for a gig of Khowee or I’ll go to the tea party of chico and delamar and the launching of their new mag Swerve at Libis. I really want to go on both events. The problem with the former is that it’s too far and transportation alone will cost me P300. I’ll probably end up pending P500 minimum. Now, the problem with the second one is that I have no one t g with. I don’t wanna go there alone but I don’t know who to bring as well. Yarja can’t come cuz he have a class, and well, most of the people I know ain’t really much of a party crowd. Ha, that’s one of the things I hate about me, I’ve always wanted to be an outgoing but I just couldn’t find the right crowd to go along with. Hai. Worst-case scenario, I’ll be watching TV at home on a Saturday evening, didn’t this shit just happened to me a month ago! Déjà vu!

the brilliant plan.......

I am leaving him for good. At least for the next 2 weeks, he owe me a treat and at least that it’ll be a way for me to figure out if I still have a thang for him after that bound to be exigent time period.

The two-week plan includes the following:

Starting tomorrow night, I will no longer visit his site, nor entertain any text messages unless they’re critical in nature such as him being involve in a crime (rape, murder, smoking arrest not included), him being fatally injured (cutting his finger, headache and the likes), or him being seriously wanting to get back with me again (unlikely, but a boy can still hope). Even an SMS containing the words I love you and I miss you or Reply ASAP or text back if does not follow the above given conditions, it shall not be answered or entertained. If you’re wondering why I have to start it tomorrow night not tomorrow morning cuz he might still post sumtin tomorrow morning, wouldn’t wanna miss it.

I will not talk about him with my friends or whoever unless it follows the conditions given above starting the day after tomorrow, which is the next day. Why Friday? Because I have to talk to someone about this plan of mine tomorrow.

I will try to find someone new, entertain new “suitors” and actually be really open to the idea of committing again.

All this shit shall stop if it is time for him to treat me.

All this shit shall stop if I’m already in love with somebody new especially if more than I loved him.

I am determined to pursue this. It’s a start. I shall be strong, can’t afford to be weak again. If this shit don’t turn up good or no positive results have been observed then I’m bound to be a whore for the rest of my life and make him feel bad and be burdened by it.. or better yet kill myself, that’s a good payback.


By the way I met CRV and well, he quite turned out to be the guy who I thought he was, arrogant and stubborn and insecure. Always worried that people might think he’s a fag, that well in fact he is. I mean, c’mon he’s trying so hard to look straight that he might as well be gay. He stayed here in the house for a couple of hours and well, nothing happened, and I’m glad about it cuz he looked like a walking fry pan.


Leinna and I got the chance to seriously chat yesterday, he’s the guy I cheated with during my relationship with Brew. He shared to me that he might go for an SO with Hoy! Well, I thought it’s stupid or he’s faking it like most of the things he say or do. He’s a smudge, and he’ll always be one. Poor Hoy he’s bound to be in pain. I think he’s trying to tell me this so I’ll get jealous well, I kinda am but only because I never got the chance to crack him and it’ll be a shame (impossible actually) that Hoy would do it. Pathetic!


This girl who messaged me in friendster, well, she told me that I might like to know his “straight” friend who had a relationship with a bi guy, but he’s straight—yah right! I told her, that I actually wanted to get to know her cuz she’s pretty open-minded one of the things that I am looking for in a girl, and one of the things Eniarrol never was. The downside though, he’s from Legaspi, Albay.. nice try nigga….

news blackout......

Okay, after 2 minutes of reading, a minute of teeming tears and a colossal self-pity, I’ve finally decided… that I ain’t sharing anything in this blog for 2 weeks. I’ll continue writing on my journal but I aint’ postin anything here for the next 14 days or less, but certainly not more, or possibly more, whatever! The raison d'être ? Hmm… I’ll share it 2weeks from now…

One thing I can share you though…. For a while I really thought I should end it.. my life that is….

rejected---AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoah, I finally found the pause button in this remote. Contrary to popular belief, I have other things going than just my crazy love fiasco. I did went to my auditions today for the Pinoy Pop Superstar and as projected, I didn’t get in. I didn’t pass the first round. It was crazy! I was supposed to sing happy birthday and man that song is arduous. I do have an excuse why I didn’t get to sing it well but I ain’t gonna mention cuz it is indeed an excuse. Surprisingly though, I didn’t get hurt as much as I thought I’d be. I dunno maybe I’m becoming immune to the thing I fear most…. REJECTION. I remember those times when I use to always say that I’ll try to do this and I’ll try to join that, but I never had the balls to pursue it, well, now I had the balls and the face for it. I guess my pain (I can’t believe we’re going back to this again) right now overshadowed any of it.

And since, we’re all already back to the topic, I wasn’t able to do it stop myself from saying hi! I wasn’t looking for strength, I just wanna share that moment with him, he told me before that he’ll accompany me in case I decide to join. And up to now I would have trade anything for that to happen. Good thing it didn’t. he did reply to my message and I saw a new entry in his blog that hurt me once more. If I really plan on doing this shit, I should stop visiting that site.

Anyways, I didn’t went straight back here. I went to my parents’ house, ate lunch and saw my mom crying. My dad and I laughed. I dunno it was sumtin bout the pigs in our province that died. Now, you know where I get all this emo aura of me. I’m a walking crybaby because of my mom and I hate it. Strange thing though, usually I would have felt so bad seeing her cry and may start crying as well, but I guess the pain still stopped me from doing so, from feeling anything at all.

"BYE"

I am crying and I can’t stop… tried to bid farewell to him, it’s hard and a part of me is still trying to tell me to take that simple “bye” back. God, if he only knows how much I love him, if he only knows……… I really wish I never met him I really do… I really do…. I feel miserable… I feel like I’m dying… I’ve never been in this much pain my entire life… and it’s all because of that stupid mistake of trying this sort of thing, I should have not tried this one, I should have stopped myself but apart of me is saying that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, he made live again and if he did give me that life he so kindly took it away from me…. Or did i or will I? Maybe I should….

I don’t know where to go… I don’t know how to continue, I wish life’s just like watching a video, with a single click you can pause a moment, despite the fact that if you rewind it, the same scene is bound to happen, at least you will have the time to stop for awhile and try to recuperate before you go forward. I don’t know what it will take for me to forget him but I do wish I find out soon… before it’s too late…..

this is it....

This is really it it’s final, my hunch was true, I haven’t read his blog yet when I mentioned that if it was his ex he would come back to him in an instant, and I was so right. God, I hate him and I hate myself more. Taena, yoko na talaga, can’t take it no more, I really can’t, I feel like slowly dying, and I ain’t kidding. God, I wish I can go back to what I am before, I wish I never met him. I wish I never tried this silly way of life… I just can’t stay here anymore.. I need to get out of this shit cuz it brought me nothing but pain… a short fun time yes, but that can’t equate to the hell I am going through right now. This has been he most depressing time in my life and more of this, god forbids, I know I won’t be able to take it no more. I just hope it doesn’t happen… I really hope so….

more rants.....

Shit! I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s talking to someone even if I don’t know who it is, I’m jealous, and I know I don’t have the right to be jealous and it pisses me off more. Why am I still putting up for this? Will somebody slap my face and tell me to get over him and move on? Can somebody tell me the best way to get him out of my system? He said he’ll call again but he never did and I don’t know why I’m still expecting that from him. Why do I keep on punishing myself? To what extent do I need to harm myself just so it’ll be enough? I don’t want this shit no more. I don’t.

in hate--- again!!!!!!!!!

I Hate him and I Hate myself from continuously loving him. He called tonight, and he kept saying that “mahal na mahal pa niya ako”, and even forced me to say it in spite of the fact that he knows that I still love him so much. I was so happy while talking feeling that the door is finally opening, I felt that it was the right moment, it’s now or never as they say it, so I asked him about us getting back together and all he can say was “Sorry bhe, di ko talaga kayang magcommit eh” and the next thing you know he’s hanging up on me. I HATE HIM but I love him so much.

God, I feel awful right now and what makes it harder is the fact that I can’t cry it out. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just so mad. I wanna cry, it feels better when it comes out of me. I can’t tell him how much I hate him cuz I don’t want him out of my life, how I wanted to tell him to just stop from telling me how much he loves me and then afterwards say that he’s not ready to commit but I can’t cuz even if it hurts, it’ll hurt more not knowing that he still loves me.

Why can’t he not realize that right now is the easiest time for us to commit, cuz he’s working and I’m studying and we’ll be too busy to flirt around with anybody else. I think it’s not that he can’t commit but he can’t get himself to stop from sleeping with somebody else. I know I ain’t good enough, I’ve always been inadequate in everything (whoah finally I’m crying again!!!!) but can’t he just at least give us one more chance? I have learned my lesson, and I swore I’d never be the bitch that I was before and I’d stop fooling around, but I still think it’s not really me, I’m even starting to think that I can allow him to sleep around with others even if we’re still together as long as it’s still me.

God, awhile ago, I was telling how I pity myself so much and this shit must stop right now. It ain’t going anywhere good especially for me. Maawa naman ako sa sarili ko, taena!!!!! I really wanna stop this madness, how can I not realize that it’s going nowhere but to my destruction. God, I love him so much, but I hate him as much. I just hope he’ll change his mind soon. I think, if it’s his ex who’s asking him to get back with him he’ll do it in a snap, I guess he just really don’t love me…. So cmon wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.. i ain't doing this shit again!!!!!!

School started and well, it sucks. One of the professors that I greatly despise for giving me a lowmark is my prof again. I’ll tell you the complete story when I’m not too busy that’ll be 40 years from now. And oh, if you’re wondering about my supposedly boy at the moment, well, I’m trying to erase him from my memory cuz the asshole deserves no space from it.

Last Wednesday, I was supposed to meet somebody and he ended up canceling a day before cuz he have work. So I ended up looking for someone trying to get the suppose “itch” out of me. So I went online looking for someone and I did found one. I was very skeptical cuz it will be the first time that I’ll try it with someone outside of a relationship. So I was really scared. Plus, I’m afraid that I might pick up some STD cuz I don’t that person that well and I end up telling everyone “I have never been so promiscuous in my entire life, huhuhu, Joey pointed the gun on me”.

In the end, I did met him and we went to my place, but to make the short story shorter, after that shit, I regretted it. And I swear to your God I’ll never do it again. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would, actually I didn’t at all. I felt like I was forcing myself to do it, man, I just wish I could be like brew, sleep around like nothing else matters, me included.

a debut, a registration and in love again

Well, Ha, last Thursday was my friend’s debut. It was at the Cocount Palace and I so psyched about it cuz I was supposed to host the event. It would have been my biggest hosting stint ever so I was a little excited though not greatly confident because of my odd hair. So I went to my HS barkada Bondoc’s house and there I saw Rainier. We waited for Elizon the usual “paimportante”, believe me his much of a diva than I am. To think he’s straight, at least I think so.

We left the house by 6:45 and we arrived at the place by 715 or 7:30 not really sure. I thought we were late but there were only a handful of familiar faces inside. Anyways, the place was gorgeous. The house is incredibly nice and I was thinking of going to the grass side near the bay cuz it was the 10th or 11th pit stop of the amazing race but I thought never mind, what matters is I saw the place.

The party was almost ruined because it rained a little so I thought we’ll be transferred inside the house instead of the garden but in the end the rain stopped—for awhile. I even saw my friend Tanmia’s mother crying, what a pity, I know how she worked so hard for her daughter’s party only to find out that it’ll be ruined by the awful weather. Plus, the amount of money they wasted just to make my friend’s bday special, I really feel for her.

Then a shocking turn came upon when the party started, an old lady hosted the event. I was shocked cuz it was clearly said to me that I’ll be hosting it, all my friends also knew that, and I was never informed that I’m not doing it no more, I was pissed but what can I do? I just tried to understand and I did naman. Then this funny fat guy sang and it was really appalling, I mean really terrible. I was laughing my head off, he sang hands to heaven, if you were there, you would have laughed your head off as well.

Anyways, the food was great, it wasn’t the usual thing you have at hotel debuts. After my part in the 18 tulips, it started to rain and so they ended up moving the whole thing on the shed at the left side of the house. The guys and I well, if it was just me I would have chosen to stay and watch but John definitely don’t dig that kind of shit so we decided to just hang inside the house and chat.

The party ended at exactly 12 midnight, we didn’t stay anymore for the after party and we head to baywalk, just walk around, tried to find a smooth place to chill at in Malate but didn’t find any. So we decide to go at Bondoc’s place. I was hoping to get some dope but they denied me of it but John promised me he’ll give me one the next time, I haven’t tried that shit, I’m 18 and I haven’t smoked pot? What kind of twisted thing is that? Tried S but not the grass, that’s pretty wicked.

We just shared High School stories and I gotta admit it was a lot of fun. We might have not admitted it, but we sure miss each other a lot. The teasing and our favorite hobby, dissing other people and making fun of their abnormality. It was fun really fun.

Arrived home at 7 and only got to sleep for 2 hours. And 3 more hours. Woke up for the auditions, it was raining, and Renato was late. It was so funny cuz it was his first time to ride both the LRT and the MRT so it was really funny, It was hilarious seeing him trying to figure out how to insert the magnetic card properly, plus, his bag got closed on by the door, and later, he the doors closed before he got the chance to get off the train and he missed his supposed destination. Then we met Noime at the gate we waited for almost 2 hours before we finally get the briefing and submit our applications. The audition will be on Monday and I am so frigging excited and worried. Wahhhhh…

Man, about 10 hours ago I promised myself that I won’t text brew anymore, and I was able to accomplish that. But he texted me, he said luv u bhe.. mwah!!!! What the fuck was that?

Man it’s getting really confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t get him, I don’t know what he wants. It’s so freaking crazy. Wah.. but I feel great!!! Wah prepare myself for self-destruction.. ahahahai

in hate....

After reading this from his blog, i suddenly realized that i was really stupid.... believing that he loves me although the entire time i knew that he still love his ex. How did i buy those "he has a special place in my heart" line that he gave me... your judgment's too clouded when you're in love which i am not now.. i'm in hate....

Yesterday while I was watching TV, I could not remember what, I remembered Marvin. I remembered how happy I was then, I remembered his kisses, his laughters, his promises. Those memories I should have forgotten a long time ago were like ghosts on a halloween night haunting me from behind. I felt a sudden rush of despair run through my body to my face leaving it numb. Then tears started to fell. It was unstoppable. I tried to resist the urge to blurt out but I couldn't. Tears were like rain falling from the heavens. I needed to shelter myself from those pricking droplets but they were persistent. They left my face wet. Wet with memories of happiness, of despair, of him.I don't know what had gotten into me. I should have moved on by now. It has almost been three months but still he is like just beside me, staring from behind, wanting me to cry, pleading me to forget. But how could I? Really? No matter how I pretend to have moved on, the reality slaps me on my face waking me to what is now, to what is real.I never imagined moving on would be this hard. I have had a boyfriend after him. But still he keeps showing up in my most vulnerable times, when I am alone in the dark with my mind blank. He haunts like a thief in the night with a look that could melt away my pretentious hard soul, my stone-coated heart. He break through my mask of deception and see the real me. Oh Marvin. I just hope you know how much I still love you so.

my final remorse....

I am still here…. 11 days and 5 hours had gone by since we separated or should I say since he broke up with me. And I still can’t get over him. Not discounting the fact that I have a boyfriend right now, or I have no idea if he still is my boyfriend cuz I haven’t receive any attempt of communicating from him to me for the past 2 days. And that I have a couple of more flings around waiting to bloom into sex or something more than just sex.

Why am I going gaga over him? He’s not even the best looking queer I’ve ever seen. He’s tall, yes; smart, undeniably; witty, most definitely; sexy, well depends on how you define it, if you’re into helloing ribcages then you may say he is; sweet, well, not most of the time but when he tries to be so you can’t help but melt; patient, oh definitely someone who can put up with me for more than an hour deserves a Noble Peace Prize, and he only got mad at me once and he was really mad. And he said he loved me, and that up to now I’m special to him. I don’t know if he still loves me today but I’m pretty sure of one thing he no longer wants to be with me, at least in a romantic way – he wants us to be friends.

I don’t wanna be just friends. I have enough friends to fill the whole Araneta Coliseum, or at least the courtside seats. I wanna be with him. He’s the guy that I wanna woke up with each friggin’ day of my will-not-be-miserable-life if this comes true. I wanna prepare him lunch, like the first time he stayed over and hear him tell me how sweet I am and how touched he is. I want him to catch me flirting online while he pretends to be sleeping and tell me afterwards that he’s jealous and there’s no need for him to tell that and I should have known that it’s wrong. I wanna catch a movie with him again not wanting to actually get laid in the dark, but just be able to hold his hand as we watch a movie I might bash a day later. I wanna walk around the mall worried that someone may see us as he steal tickles from me. I wanna dine again in KFC that I’m so happy to be his favorite resto cuz it’s my favorite too. I wanna go back to Figaro even if I don’t drink coffee and inhale the second hand smoke that’s coming out from his Winston cigarette that I greatly despise. I wanna be able to sing for him again and him telling me how much he like it. But most of all I wanna get that chance to here him tell me how much he love me so much which so obviously ain’t comin’ down anytime soon….

Oh, how I regret being such a bitch the entire time we were together. How I regret giving him all the headaches one can possibly experience from a relationship. I regret not being understanding and supportive enough of what he wants to do and what he believes in, no matter how skewed they seem to be. I regret not always telling him how much I love him everytime we’re together, I regret cheating on him, thinking that he won’t feel jealous but knowing that he will. But most of all I regret not stopping him from splitting up with me cuz despite the fact that his mind is made-up at least I could tell myself that I tried to save it and I won’t be here crying while writing this stupid journal still hoping that he’ll call asking me to be with him again.